This morning I woke up with the clarity, I imagine, can only be achieved after years of deep meditative practice. Call it enlightenment. Call it an epiphany. Or a higher level of consciousness. Whatever term might be applicable, I woke up this morning with an important piece of convincing knowledge.
I. Am. The. Best.
I have to be the best and my reasoning is simple. I’ve come to understand that there are many things, for reasons not yet understood, that nobody else can do. Apparently, I am the only person who can do these things, and therefore, by logic alone, I have deduced that I am magnificent. Extraordinary. Fabulous. In light of the fact that I am able to accomplish tasks, which are apparently impossible for those around me, I have concluded that I am just really damn good.
So, what is it you ask that sets me apart? I’m glad you asked! Here’s my list of things that only I seem to be able to complete in my house:
- Put socks in a hamper
- Pick up clothing from floor
- Put shoes on the shoe rack
- In addition to previous entry, take off shoes and keep matching sets together in the same vicinity of the house.
- Remember not to drape pants over dining room chairs
- Hang up coat
- Fill ice cube tray
- To elaborate on previous entry, take empty ice cube tray out of freezer
- Realize it’s pointless to leave only 5 ml. of juice/ milk/ beverage in its container in the refrigerator
- Turn shirts right side out
- Lift magazines the 10″ it would take to put them in their rack rather than on the floor below the rack
- Put a couch cushion back on the couch in its correct orientation
- Make a bed
- Fold towels
- Fold clothes
- in addition to previous two entries, put said items away
- Realize when the toilet is on the verge of having someone call CPS should they see it, and as a result clean it
- Open and close curtains/ blinds/ windows at appropriate times of day
I don’t want to brag, but for brevity’s sake, I shall limit the list as it currently stands. I never used to think of myself as anything special. But I now see my unique abilities in a new light, for I am the chosen one.
